The NFL is broken: A dumb guy's rule changes to fix it. (Part 1)
How Gene Steratore can single-handedly solve our review crisis.
I don’t know if the NFL is actually broken — that was simply something I put into the title to get people to click on the article. And you, dear reader, clicked it. Mission accomplished.
Some of mankind’s greatest achievements have come from dumb guys being able to come up with ideas that shift the Overton window: the first caveman to just… light some stuff on fire, the Wright brothers masking a boys trip to the Outer Banks as a mission to build a flying machine, the creator of the Cheesy Gordita Crunch. These men were all at least a little bit dumb — but American heroes each of them remain.
Are my proposed rule changes here actually going to happen? No. But I have a cheat code of a phrase that gets me out of any criticism of my ideas. A phrase popularized by my fellow dummies in the advertising industry after creating terrible commercials and ad campaigns.
Hey, at least you’re talkin’ about it…
#1: (Almost) Ban Review:
Replay review is a scourge that we need to rid ourselves of as a people. What is the obsession with getting every single call exactly correct? This isn’t life or death — and bad calls go both ways…you win some, you lose some. Get over it.
Before you get too upset, I am a reasonable man. I will allow for rectification of the most egregious calls. Each team receives one (1) review for the year. If you challenge and a call is overturned, you get your challenge back. If you lose your challenge, you may not challenge any calls for the rest of the season. That single review also has enhanced power — there are no rules about what is a reviewable offense, penalties can be thrown as part of a review, etc… Are you 100% positive the refs messed up? Challenge it, and it’ll get fixed.
Also, we’re getting rid of those lame challenge flags. At the start of every season, each team will be provided with one giant flag with Gene Steratore’s face on it. To challenge a play, you must send a player to plant Gene at midfield, a la Baker Mayfield vs. Ohio State. For transparency’s sake, Gene will review the call in real time on the broadcast so that we get to hear the reasoning behind his ultimate decision.
#2: Ban Field Goals
This offseason has been dominated by discussion of banning the Tush Push. This is a distraction from the true worst play in the sport: the field goal. Just go for it on 4th down. Quit being soft. Line up your big boys versus their big boys and manhandle them.
Literally the only time a field goal is exciting is when something happens that makes it Not A Field Goal Anymore. As I’m writing this, I realize that I’m kind of okay with field goals as part of the beginning/middle of a game. They make the score more interesting and you can get a couple decent possessions that result in what is essentially a touchdown.
My main enemy is the Game Winning Field Goal. This is the most boring end to a game in any major sport. As I have mentioned repeatedly throughout this article, I am a dummy. And here’s my dumb argument: The ball sailing through the uprights just doesn’t hit.
A batter taking a massive, swinging-for-the-fences cut as the ball pops into the catcher’s mitt for the final out. A clutch free throw with 10 seconds left. A knee-knocker 6-foot putt on the 18th hole.
All of the above are better than a game-winning field goal. The absolute most I can muster up for a game winning field goal is “Ah, he made it.” I’m getting way more excited for a big defensive stop on 4th and 3 to ice the game than I am for a boring-ass 44 yard field goal that wins the game. So we’re making everyone go for it in the fourth quarter from here on out.
This is not relevant to my point but I’ll mention it anyways. Field goal kickers are responsible for our most per-capita shit heads than any other position in the sport.* All the more reason to not let these nerds get the glory of “winning the game”.
*Do not fact check this. Didn’t run the data.
I’ve got way more, arguably worse, ideas that I may choose to share here as well. But first, I want to see how mad the nerds over at Reddit might get about these first two. And so I’ll wrap up here with some classic engagement bait….Do you agree? Or are you an idiot? Sound off in the comments.