2024 All-Dunder Mifflin Football Team (Part 1)
Serenity by Jan got me feeling NICEY!
Welcome to the Fantasy Genius All-Scranton Squad, where we’re matching NFL (or occasionally college football) players and coaches with their counterparts from Dunder Mifflin, Sabre, or The Michael Scott Paper Company.
This is Part 1 of our series. Part 2 is here. Subscribe to be notified when future parts will be released that include NFL legends such as Aaron Rodgers, Rashee Rice, Maxx Crosby, and Mercedes Lewis.
Jan Levinson is Jon Gruden
Replace the “a” in Jan with an “o” and you’re already there. Blondies. Both super talented. They land bigwig jobs and are objectively successful. Unfortunately, the high stress roles reveal some fatal character flaws, leading to their public and humiliating firings. Instead of exiting quietly and reflecting on how to better themselves, they completely change their personalities and embark on launching bizarre new businesses. Serenity by Jan got me feeling NICEY! If you have no idea what we’re talking about with Gruden, we’ve included a clip below. Sound warning. And general scariness warning.
“I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside, I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star.”
-Jan Levinson (formerly Levinson-Gould)
Ryan Howard is Mike McDaniel
Both 5’9”, roughly a buck forty-five soaking wet. They both started from the bottom, and for a time, were here. Ryan as a temp and Mike as a Broncos intern. Then, things changed.
Suddenly, they’re wunderkinds. After a wave of success, they completely reinvent themselves to match their surroundings. Ryan goes full city-slicker New Yorker, while Mike embraces his role as South Beach’s resident kingpin.
Once they’re on top, they come back to their original place to bully the living shit out of their previous coworkers.
We love Mike McDaniel, so we hope the similarities end there and he doesn’t end up working at a bowling alley.
Honorable mention for Ryan: Zach Wilson
Both were highly touted prospects who started strong, only to completely flame out as they moved to the big apple. Whether it's Ryan engaging in some light fraud with Dunder Mifflinfinity or Zach Wilson being too loose with the football, they both peaked early and crashed hard. Neither could handle the pressures of the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. Had all the intangibles but couldn’t execute.
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration is Refrigerator Perry
Both big brutes who don’t take no bull from nobody. Obsessed for some weird reason with refrigerators. Also obsessed with the contents of those refrigerators. I can relate. Soft side second to none. Bob dropped a band to hug his wife. What a guy.
Dwight Schrute is Connor Stallions
Both complete gym rats of the office. Will do whatever it takes to impress the big guy upstairs. (Not God…their boss). Absolute, 100% unwavering loyalty to Michael Scott & the Michigan progrum at large. Wouldn’t think twice about naming & memorizing 500 hand signals. Whatever it takes to win. You might find either of them doing pull ups in a weird circumstance for no real reason. Would kidnap a pizza delivery driver if their boss asked with absolutely zero questions asked. Both big surveillance junkies. Masters of espionage.
“I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories.”
-Dwight Schrute
Kevin Malone is [insert bad left tackle]
Obviously, Kevin is an offensive lineman with that body and wide base. Surprisingly quick feet for a big guy, too. Rumor has it he was the best athlete on set—and it shows in the Basketball episode, where he’s absolutely raining 9-foot treys on repeat with no misses in sight.
He’s gotta be a bad left tackle though. Despite his surprising athleticism, the one thing he cares about most—his chili—ends up splattered all over the floor. If the man can’t protect a VAT of chili, he ain’t protecting anything. He also accidentally committed secruties fraud. Potential work ethic issues as evidenced in the CPR episode.
Couldn’t come up with an actual player — the only offensive linemen I know are elite ones or the guys on my team who are always getting holding penalties. I was going to pick Garett Bolles from the Broncos but he’s good now! Drop a bad left tackle in the comments. Ideally one with a gambling problem.
*Practicing CPR*
“I can’t do this forever.”
Instructor: “It’s been twenty seconds.”
“Call it.”-Kevin Malone
Todd Packer is Deshaun Watson
Someone please call Toby and roll in that TV/VCR cart with all the HR videos—STAT. I mean all of ‘em.
These guys have incredible professional luck. No one should be employing them, yet each has someone inexplicably loyal doofus keeping them afloat.
For Todd, it was Michael loving him & keeping him on the payroll despite him being an insufferable prick and harassing every other person in the office. For Deshaun, it’s the Browns giving him $230 million after a prettaaaay major character flaw is revealed. If that weren’t bad enough, he also sucks at his job now. Neither of these guys are bringing anything positive to the table.
Why can’t someone believe in me like the Browns believe in Deshaun? Make a $230 million mistake on me. Let me be the mistake. I’d be a better locker room guy than him, I promise.
“Schrute's out to get me. But I'm playing the long game. As soon as he messes up, I swoop in like a sexual predator.”
-Todd Packer
Pretty sure we nailed all of these comps but let me know in the comments if you have other ideas. And don’t forget to subscribe to see the second and third installments in this series! I can’t figure out how to end this piece so….
Game. Set. Match. Point. Scott. Game over. End of game.
Check out part 2 here where we draft Andy, Stanley, Bobby Cali, and Vikram (among others)!
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