2024 All-Dunder Mifflin Football Team (Part 2)
Jameis Winston and Robert California are modern philosophers.
Welcome to the Fantasy Genius All-Scranton Squad, where we’re matching NFL (or occasionally college football) players and coaches with their counterparts from Dunder Mifflin, Sabre, or The Michael Scott Paper Company.
This is Part 2 of our series. If you haven’t read Part 1, go check it out here. Subscribe to be notified when Part 3 will be released — we’ll really be testing your knowledge of both NFL and The Office in part 3. People are murmuring saying you’re not a big enough of a fan of either to understand it.
Andy Bernard is Baker Mayfield
Came out of school with a lot of promise and energy. Seemingly have loads of talent but not the best locker room guys occasionally. Lots of anger issues despite obvious charisma and charm. Late career resurgences after taking over for the GOAT. Andy didn’t technically come directly after Michael Scott — there was an odd power vacuum there for a bit and Robert California was manager for around 5 seconds. Reasonable people can disagree but maybe Robert California could also be considered the GOAT. Baker took over for the GOAT Jameis (with a weird couple years of Tom Brady there).
You can’t hold talent like this down forever — the cream always rises to the top (after some mental health counseling).
Honorable Mention for Andy: Jalen Hurts
For no reason other than his stance in the shotgun. Apparently the reason he used to stand like this is because Jason Kelce fired piss missiles for snaps and he wanted to be able to stop the ball with his chest if necessary.
Stanley Hudson is Marshawn Lynch
“I’m just here so I don’t get fined”. Funny as hell when they are annoyed. Funny as hell when they’re happy. Similar amounts of respect for the powers-that-be at work. Both big fan of snacks at work.
Roy is Rashee Rice
Obvious out of the way here first — all R’s (Didn’t bother looking up Roy’s last name, he’s like Cher to me). Have troubled history of DUIs and destruction of property. When they’re on their game, they’re elite — Roy somehow bagged Pam and Rashee was averaging 100 yards per game before he fell on hard times. Lot of ups and downs for these guys. Hoping that Rashee can get it turned around like Roy after hitting rock bottom.
Karen Filippelli is Tommy Devito 🤌
Both have a rich Italian heritage. Took over the reins for a short time and then were never heard from again. They are footnotes in someone else’s story — Tommy made the mistake of picking the greatest agent of all time and Karen will always be The Girl Before Pam.
Until, that is, their flame reignites briefly like a dying star. Likely for contractual reasons — Rashida Jones needed to fulfill a SAG-AFTRA minimum episode requirement, and Daniel Jones got proverbially taken out on Big Pussy’s boat.
Gabe is Russell Wilson
Absolute anchor personality in the locker room — candy ass, goofballs. They are so annoying that they end up being effective leaders by rallying everyone against them. Russell is out here pretending to break huddles before games and Gabe is the type of guy that’s practicing his laugh for the joke on Slide 3 of the HR powerpoint. Have unexplainable luck with women. Ciara for Russell? Erin for Gabe? Way to outkick your coverage, fellas.
Honorable mention for Russell Wilson: Deangelo Vickers
Miming things for no apparent reason.
Vikram is Tyron Smith
Gym rats — probably the most talented guy on the team but not flashy at all. Grinding silently behind the scenes — most people wouldn’t recognize him.
Robert California is Jameis Winston
Seemingly intelligent in that they have good vocabularies and speak in full sentences. But pay attention to the words themselves and they make no sense. Would be the strangest (perhaps, the greatest) person to invite to a dinner party. We’ll just list a few quotes from each — they speak for themselves. And they speak a lot.
“Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto.”
”Guys, this is ours man…it was ours to take. We controlled our own destiny. And those men…looked me in my eye and said ‘We got this, Jameis’. And I said, ‘Are you strong?’ They said, ‘I’m strong if you strong.’ And I said ‘We strong then.’”
I’m not smart enough to figure out if these are the dumbest things I’ve ever read or if they’re extremely profound.
Game. Set. Match. Point. Scott. Game over. End of game.
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