Local Man Completes Third PhD In Desperate Bid to Prove Playoff Snub Unjust

$150,000 in the hole. Zero playoff appearances.

Dec 19, 2024

The State University of New York at Oswego is celebrating Dr. Childers, head of the Mathematics Department, for winning Administrator of the Year due to her efforts in maintaining revenue stability.

The head of the Mathematics Department told me, “Yeah honestly this is nothing I did. The revenue is due entirely to Blake Gleason. There’s no other explanation.”

The recently hooded Dr. Gleason just completed his third PhD in Combinatorial Mathematics from the school. When reached for comment, Dr, Gleason told us, “yeah, I’ve been in school for about 16 years now, but I still haven’t accomplished my ultimate goal.”

When you graduate from clown college. : r/SimpsonsFaces — Amateur sketch of Dr. Gleason

Dr. Gleason’s wife could be heard from the other room, screaming, “It’s that fucking fantasy football league! I’d leave you if it weren’t for the dog!”

“Don’t mind her, she’s an asshole, and she’s just sour that my Mom is extending her visit by 9 months. But she is right, that’s how it started,” Dr. Gleason continued, “I was a steady 7th place finisher in our league, but honestly, something stank. I know what the final standings said, but I knew deeper meaning was calling out from my league’s statistics — I just needed to develop the ear to listen.”

“He’s been getting advanced statistics degrees since 2008 trying to understand why he keeps losing despite being a ‘great’ fantasy football manager.” said Katie Gleason, Dr. Gleason’s sister and commissioner of their fantasy football league, “he has the same job, his marriage is in shambles, his team still finishes 8th every year, he’s $150,000 in debt, and I don’t think his strategy has changed at all.”

“She’s right, my thesis remains unchanged,” said Dr. Gleason, “if anything, my studies have reinforced my strategy. As a part of my second dissertation, I uncovered a positive correlation between overall team performance and TE production in weeks 2 through 7. And as you can see in this chart, my TE production in those weeks has been top 4 in the league for the past 12 years, without fail.” It was then that Dr. Gleason produced a laminated sheet of paper with a meticulously hand-plotted crayon-drawn graph.

“My entire body of research, indeed my life’s work, is on this sheet. And it proves my thesis,” said Dr. Gleason, voice rising in anger and desperation. “I’m just waiting for the last 15 years of outliers to smooth themselves out and regress to the mean. And I’ll be playoff bound.”

“As a policy, SUNY Oswego stands on the principle that education should be available to all who want it,” Head of Admissions Stan Larsen said when reached for comment, “but I’ll admit to having some trouble sleeping when I think about Dr. Gleason. Has this become a predatory situation on our part? The guy hasn’t learned a damn thing about actual statistics in a decade. The only papers he writes are on fantasy football, which frankly, none of us have ever played.”

For his part, Dr. Gleason is staying the course, selecting George Kittle in the first round and Sam LaPorta in the third round of this year’s draft. “Like I said, this is proven research, but like any good scientist, I will continue to diligently interrogate my work to make sure I haven’t missed something. My next doctoral program starts in the fall. Thanks for coming guys, but I really gotta get going. My shift at Barnes and Noble starts in half an hour and I gotta lock in.”

Dr. Gleason could be heard muttering “I know ball…I know ball…I know ball” under his breath as he walked away.

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