Local Man Hypothetically Wins Fantasy Football Title
If things that happened didn't happen, everything would have been different.
The 2024 United States Presidential election was truly historic, as all things that already happened are. As the campaign exits center stage, a divided nation is left behind, including many damaged relationships.
A Nyack, NY Fantasy Football league is in tatters in the aftermath, turning longtime friends into factions and threatening to break up the league entirely.
League Commissioner Adam Fritzenbauer had this to say: “Huh?”
When reached for comment, league member Shannon Jepson said, “Oh no, this has nothing to do with the election. Most of us don’t vote. That’d take valuable time away from looking at KTC charts and calculating optimal waiver bids.”
Upon pressing, Jepson continued, “It’s about Glen, and frankly, the shit’s been going on too long. And it’s killing the group text.”
This reporter was given access to the text messages, and after loading the document into ChatGPT, can confirm that 76% of texts were sent by one Glen Stupnitsky. Of those, 88% were related to real life events that Stupnitsky believed had a negative outcome on his team’s yearly performance.
The following is a representative exchange:
Stupnitsky: It honestly comes down to just a few plays on the season. Mark Andrews steps out at the 33, sacrificing maybe 67 more yards and a possible touchdown. That’s 12.7 points. Jalen Hurts checks down to Barkley for a 8 yard gain when AJ Brown had a step on his man. If he hits AJ in stride, and then beats the safety help, that’s 93 yards and a touchdown. Another 15.3 points. Jalen Ramsey gets beat on a hitch and go, but if it would’ve just been a curl like he expected, it’s an easy pick 6, so we’re looking at minimum 8 more points plus who knows how many more when you factor in momentum.
Jepson: Glen, you’re in 8th place.
Stupnitsky: Yeah, but football’s a game of inches. Imagine if Lamar Jackson, Mahomes, and Josh Allen get injured for the year in Week 1, I’m probably up around 5th, with a real shot at the playoffs. I’m just saying…what if??
Fritzenbauer: Dammit Glen - YOUR TEAM SUCKS!!!!!!!!!
[1-923-298-1293]: EAT SHIT GLEN. Always the what ifs with this man…What If is a great Creed song, but if I hear What If one more time it better be through the lips of Scott Stapp.
[1-923-273-9021]: If I knew Glen would’ve been here, I never would’ve joined. You suck shit Glen. Have since high school.
In the time since the texts above, Stupnitsky’s team has slipped into 9th place. More importantly, however, is the damage done to the league and the uncertain future it faces.
“We’ll probably just throw Glen out,” Jepson said, “I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal.”
Reached for comment, Stupnitsky said, “League bylaws stipulate that I can’t be removed unless I‘m in the bottom 3 for three years in a row. And though I’m already at two, I think if Devonta Smith gets hurt or maybe embroiled in a contract dispute or some sort of off-field scandal, that’ll increase Jahan Dotson’s touches and I’ll start to move up. I’m not about to get relegated like some shitty National League futball team”
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